Homework can bring us to our knees — “Just, will you JUST, finish it ALREADY!?” It’s hard to like ourselves as we scream, judge, blame and compare when we’ve flipped our lid. And, once we’re calm, it’s difficult to let go of the guilt. It’s crazy making stuff that we want to be SO DONE with.
Over the years, a number of parents have been concerned about their child’s hesitance to assert themselves. I wrote the tale below in 2014 with that (and a very special girl) in mind. I like to imagine living in a kingdom where our leader models assertive Confrontive I-Messages! Here’s how one such person came to be so wise.
Without a secure bond with a trusted, stable adult, kids are more prone to social media addiction. The nature of Internet communication leads to a digital intimacy that falls short of authentic, vulnerable relationships so they keep grasping for more approval and acceptance.
It's so easy to feel aggressive when we impute bad intentions to our kids -- e.g. He's deliberately NOT writing the invites to get a rise out of me. If we pause to contemplate the spins we put on kids' behaviors, we just might choose not to believe them.
He grinned down. I grinned up. Then, shaking my head in wonder, I went to my journal to record this remarkable conversation.
"Remarkable" because the old Catherine would not have known what to do. I probably would have peppered him with questions, "What's wrong? Well, have you tried approaching him again? Did you ask him why you you got that score? Have you gone over the rubric - maybe you missed something?"
The pressure to guilt-trip him was great. His basketball coach and tons of parents would say, "You just go out there and do it. You don't quit and you don't waste your parent's money." "Do you see?" I asked. "This is what I'm dealing with from the outside and also from within because it's just such a huge amount!"
Upon leaving the house, I kept my mouth shut and did not mention homework in any way, shape or form nor did I discuss League of Legends (you may remember from last week that L.O.L. was his siren call). I simply nonchalantly waved “Buh-bye!” to Harrison, who was still in his pajamas. Under my breath I repeated that day's mantras: "His homework is not my problem" and "I can choose to be a new kind of mom!"
Lucky for them that, about the time they started playing the game League of Legends, I started learning P.E.T. My transformation from a controlling and stressed-out crazy mom to a chill, “Yeah, I can be around her” kind of presence was due, in no small part, to the box at the bottom of P.E.T.’s Behavior Window.
Two things happened recently that made me realize, wow, solutioning really gets my back up. (I hear it's kind of an American thing to make a verb out of a noun but I WAS born in Philly so I'm just going with it.) Don't get me wrong, I'm superb at solutioning; it's just that I don't like being on the receiving end.
I had been so mired in the habit of ignoring myself that I faced the steepest of learning curves. I discovered that, when upset, I was grossly incongruent in the way I interacted with the outside world and, sadly, my kids. What I usually showed was only a sliver of the truth. Not surprisingly, the words I was most facile with on the feelings list were those that had to do with anger.
Getting home base under control was the crucial first step in our family's progress toward mindful, assertive and empathetic communication.
So, here's what P.E.T. has meant for me, countdown style . . .
I was mindful that I was out of control. I apologized, “Sorry, I am being quite a control freak right now, I am just so stressed!” And then, suddenly I had another crisis: I couldn’t locate the Keynote presentation for my class the next day! I got snippier and toggled back and forth for a good 15-20 minutes between “adult” behavior and, well, a tantrum. Claudia gently said a few times, “Ok, jeesh, just calm down!”
Coulda, woulda, shoulda. Nothing remotely like that transpired. Instead, I did a Roadblock Mash-Up:
OH MY GOD! EVERYONE COME HERE RIGHT NOW! (Ordering) WHO DID THIS? (Interrogating) WHO . . . DID . . . THIS????? (Interrogating very slowly) . . . [silence on the part of three beautiful and terrified youngsters] . . . IF NO ONE IS GOING TO TELL THE TRUTH, THEN NO VIDEO GAMES FOR ONE MONTH! (Threatening)
Active Listening is the first thing we tackle in class and is, hands down, the most challenging to master. But build up this key skill and your children will know who to go to when they need help. And that, I think, qualifies as a parenting grand slam.
So, it was not that surprising when, among the video footage, we came across an interview my husband did a few years ago but never shared with me. It was the day before my birthday and my husband was fishing for compliments on my behalf, asking Harrison: “What's great about Mommy, why do you love her?"
Though this story happened just a couple of years ago, our family has turned itself around. My intention never to give up has truly paid off. Skies no longer rough, they smile down on our family every single minute. Of course, we still have conflict; it's what we do with that conflict that is so different and feels so good (yes, you just read "conflict" and " feels so good" in the same sentence). Several times a day, something happens that takes my breath away and I am filled with gratitude.
