the acorn within "p.e.t. vitamins" blog — The Acorn Within

EFT for Teens - Sept 25 & 27, 2019 - exclusively for teens 15-18yo!

Behavior Window

Ugh, homework!

Ugh, homework!

Homework can bring us to our knees — “Just, will you JUST, finish it ALREADY!?” It’s hard to like ourselves as we scream, judge, blame and compare when we’ve flipped our lid. And, once we’re calm, it’s difficult to let go of the guilt. It’s crazy making stuff that we want to be SO DONE with.

Digital Use: A Deep Dive into Attachment

Digital Use: A Deep Dive into Attachment

Without a secure bond with a trusted, stable adult, kids are more prone to social media addiction. The nature of Internet communication leads to a digital intimacy that falls short of authentic, vulnerable relationships so they keep grasping for more approval and acceptance.


A Clear Path

A Clear Path

That softening and willingness to take in someone else's perspective had the startling effect of her daughter picking up a towel and starting to dry the dishes. "We got over it within a matter of minutes whereas before it would have meant a ruined Sunday afternoon," Therese gushed.

Oh, the gratitude we all saw in her wide, winning smile and bright eyes! 

Bullying & the Behavior Window: The Bystander & Prevention, Part 3/3

Bullying & the Behavior Window: The Bystander & Prevention, Part 3/3

There is no doubt that bystanders play a key role, and many parents yearn to raise kids who are willing to intervene. 

The Behavior Window can help clarify ways to support our children in moving out of passivity and avoiding, to the extent possible, becoming bullies or one of the bullied themselves.

Bullying & the Behavior Window: The Bully, Part 2/3

Bullying & the Behavior Window: The Bully, Part 2/3

Starting to forgive ourselves is courageous and arduous work, and utterly necessary. We do whatever it takes to come to a place where we can accept that our child is very much hurting; then we can become a helper and try to turn things around.

Bullying & the Behavior Window: The Bullied Child (Part 1/3)

Bullying & the Behavior Window: The Bullied Child (Part 1/3)

When I teach, all sorts of scenarios come up including, of course, bullying.

It is recognized that this phenomenon is best dealt with preventively and systemically rather than as an interpersonal matter. And yet, what does a P.E.T. parent do if our child becomes a target or is bullying others?

Becoming a Model - P.G.D. #3

Becoming a Model - P.G.D. #3

There's no doubt that my children are watching.

They have tried some of my strategies -- Jake, who's 15, likes the Headspace app on my phone -- but, more importantly, they see me vulnerable and open. I don't share too much of my childhood, just what I think is appropriate for them to know. But they appreciate my admission that when I fly off the handle or fall into a defensive, mistrustful stance that my behavior has nothing to do with their inherent goodness and everything to do with my own journey of healing.

And that kind of thing happens less and less. Oh, thank goodness! Working on communication skills, tending to my inner child and increasing my mindfulness helps me to choose actions and words that fit the situation and child in front of me now, today, in the present moment. 

Three Days with a 3 YO

Three Days with a 3 YO

I went back in time recently to relive parenting a toddler. While my brother and sis-in-law were in Japan, I got to take care of my niece Emma.

Since Emma lives in the US, I see her only once a year. This was her first visit to my home in Hong Kong. The P.E.T. skills helped me to establish trust and mutuality and deal with those big toddler emotions. 

A P.E.T. Take on the Short Film "Nobel Prize"

A P.E.T. Take on the Short Film "Nobel Prize"

Watching Tracey Larcombe's Nobel Prize, I cringed, not only as a certified instructor of Parent Effectiveness Training but also as a mother who recognized her former self in the ordering around and the go-go-go. I may never have been quite so harsh, but I have said my fair share of things I regret.

So rather than just lambaste the characters, I thought it might be more helpful to turn a P.E.T. eye onto the situation and imagine another set of interactions.

After all, most of us are familiar with what we DON'T want to be doing when it comes to our kids. The trouble is knowing what better options would look like.

Lots to Be Thankful For

Lots to Be Thankful For

Last year, a friend described senior year (Year 13 in HK) as "excruciating," joking that she'd be relieved when her son, after dragging his feet for months on his college applications, finally took off. I just nodded nervously: would that be me? 

Not so! I am deeply grateful I am enjoying Harrison's last year.

And then there's the Q & A session Jake held recently for my class participants . . . 

Behold! Your Line of Acceptance

Behold! Your Line of Acceptance

Something comes into focus as we consider the groupings on the poster we have drawn up:

It is primarily the many factors within ourselves -- TOTALLY INDEPENDENT of the child's behavior -- that affect our receptiveness to it. 

Whoa. 

This is a huge reckoning for the many of us who have been in the habit of blaming our children for our response to them: "You are making me so mad!"

But it is also most freeing because of what it implies . . . 

The Parent Effectiveness Training Pay-Off

The Parent Effectiveness Training Pay-Off

You may be wondering though: Is it worth it?

You bet.

Based on my experience with three kids now 17, 15 and 12, here is how learning Dr. Thomas Gordon's paradigm and skills can pay off in spades: mindfulness; support for the parent; quick, if not immediate, results; children who want to be with us; joy and influence. 

Play? Who, me? Uhhhh . . . .

Play? Who, me? Uhhhh . . . .

I wish someone had sat my butt down and made me read Lawrence Cohen's Playful Parenting. His approach jibes well with the philosophy of P.E.T. and I've been recommending it left and right!  

So where might play fit in the Behavior Window? Turns out -- all over the place.

Can ignoring my child help?

Can ignoring my child help?

By zooming in on behavior, we often feel in an uncomfortable bindGee, I don't want to encourage this! If I give her attention or Active Listen her, isn't that rewarding unacceptable behavior? I need to teach her that that is NOT a good way to act.

Dr. Gordon points out that, in raising children, we often rely too much on unacceptance of behavior. We think the optimal way to guide is to send the message that their behavior -- here, the crying and screaming that many might deem "too sensitive" or "clingy" or "wimpy" or "babyish" or "crybaby" -- needs to change.

He advocates a vastly different approach:

Good for you! - C.U.E. #9

Good for you! - C.U.E. #9

Besides wanting to make peace, I had gone into Claudia's room as her cheerleader. 

You see, in my room I had reflected on whether I had ever openly defied my own mother and came up with not a single instance. 

No surprise there. I was always a very, very, very "good" girl.

Roadblocks II - Parent Owns Problem

Roadblocks II - Parent Owns Problem

It is truly humbling but, as you may have read in my last post Roadblocks I - Child Owns the Problem, our patterning is just to use a heck of a lot of Communication Roadblocks instead of helping our children or confronting them with good results.

Change starts, though, with a simple decision and firm commitment. We've got your back as you strive to communicate in new ways that better serve you, your child and your relationship together. You will love the results.
 

But It's My Bedroom!

But It's My Bedroom!

How messy does a child's room have to be before we feel steam coming out of our ears?

That is such a personal thing.

Thank you, dear reader, for requesting a post on this very common issue. Let's start where we always do in P.E.T. with our go-to question: Who Owns the Problem?

"It was historic!"

"It was historic!"

I love, love, love my job! I am invited for a while to have a front row seat at people's transformation.

With this participant's blessings -- I'll call her Flo -- I hereby share her story. Mind you, this happened a mere four sessions into the course!

Guilt

Guilt

I used to go to sleep feeling remorseful 70% of the time. I remember telling my husband this when our oldest was still an only child. "Lose the guilt!" he said in shock. 

Hah, easier said than done. To the reader who requested this topic, this one's for you AND for so many of us.

Bonus: You can P.E.T. your in-laws!

Bonus: You can P.E.T. your in-laws!

This is a huge boon, right? I wish I had had these skills way back.

Over dinner recently with friends, I was reliving how stressful it was when my eldest was diagnosed with moderate to severe asthma and allergies at the age of three. That began a series of arguments between my husband and me.

Over what? My mother in law.